Tag-Team Families: Reconnecting with Teens

By Brenna, John, and Monique Nunes

It takes a team to raise a teen! This is made difficult for at least two reasons: (1.) too many teens pretend like they're already fully raised; and, (2.) too many parents are too proud (or ashamed) to admit they need help. While family life should not be like physical wrestling—though it has driven many to their knees in prayer—it is a lot like spiritual wrestling. “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers…” (Ephesians 6:12, ESV).

In my own young teenage years, I remember watching skeptically the choreographed pretend-violence of what's now become an entertainment empire, WWE wrestling. What I really did enjoy was watching the tag team spectacles. If a wrestler was losing the match, being mercilessly pummeled, he'd strain to reach his hand back to his corner. His partner would also be stretching out his arm. Once they tagged, the rested wrestler was eligible to jump into the ring and fight as a substitute. You could be saved by a touch, by a substitution. And so are we, in the eternal sphere; and, likewise our children. Jesus is our saving substitute, taking the punishment for sin we deserve. Jesus' feet touched down mercifully on the turf of earth. Taking dirt in his hands, and making a heavenly medicine by mixing it with saliva, sight was restored, by a touch. Sick hands grasped the hem of his garment and the hemorrhaging stopped. When sound-waves from Jesus' voice carried by the Spirit touched the eardrums of his hearers, despairing lives were energized again. The same touch of Jesus, coming to us now in the holy Word and purifying Sacraments, motivates us to reconnect daily with our teens, when we and they have been pulled apart by unholy words, separated by the furious tug of fast-paced lives.

Relational ruptures might feel like a death-sentence to our family life, but God's Word promises that no relationship is beyond repair when healing words of hope are lived in Christ. Consider T.A.G. as an acronym for three revitalizing verbs: TOUCH, AGREE, and GROW.

TOUCH

This is much more than being sensational or sensitive, but this is a conceptual strategy. Relationships require closeness, proximity. Nearness is precisely the challenge of relationships. It would be much easier to express kindness and forgiveness if we didn't have to deal with people face-to-face, voice-to-voice, brokenness-to-brokenness. It's always easier to talk about love in the abstract, in a laboratory, from a pulpit, in a song, as a theory, from a distance. Love gets difficult when it gets up-close personal. But that's exactly the touch that gives hope to families.

Babies who are not held in loving arms can be wounded for life because of a lack of nurture. Some even die. Children, who are inappropriately touched or sexually abused, often have difficulty developing healthy relationships as adults. Cuddling around a cozy fireplace on a cold night is appealing to most people—even the men too manly to admit it—because we all long for the touch of intimacy.

Being in touch is always better than being out of touch, the challenge is how do we both get close to our teens, and yet allow space for them to grow, without being either intrusive nor evasive.

· Plan activities that will allow you enjoy close touches as a family; everything from ballroom dancing to playing Twister to a backyard game of touch football.
· Praying together is one of the best ways to reconnect. To speak to God together, from a common faith perspective, allows hearts to reconnect with the One for whom all things are possible. As important as it is to listen to one another, it is just as important to listen to the spiritual hopes and dreams authentically expressed in the prayers of your family members.

AGREE

Like riding a tandem bicycle, families move forward when they're working together to go in the same direction. The road to reconciliation gains positive momentum when we establish a rhythm of those things on which we agree, even if they are little things, especially if they are the things of God, things that ground our common faith. This is much more than a strategy, this is a biblical foundation, “Again, I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven” (Matthew 18:19). Incremental agreements are often the foundation of forgiveness. The context of this verse in Matthew is reconciliation, reconnection, and restoration.

Once in the middle of a family conflict we worked the conversation concentrically, from the outside slowly in toward the crisis, from the periphery to the core; by the time we got to the problem we had already laughed uproariously; the problem was minimized:

· Can we agree we reside on planet earth?
· Can we agree on what day of the week it is?
· Can we agree that earthly life is never easy?
· Can we agree that Jesus died forgiven all sin?
· Can we agree that this problem is bigger than we are?
· Can we agree that the Holy Spirit is a healer?
· Can we agree that just superficially agreeing to disagree is not enough?
· Can we agree that we both look silly when we get angry?

GROW

The tag-team philosophy applies to every family. While parenting is difficult in every family situation, perhaps more so in single-parent or blended family systems, no family is immune from conflict. Reconnecting work is made easier when we reach out with wisdom; when we reach into the “corner” of life's ring to “tag up” with the human resources that God has placed around; when we allow ourselves to connect with an expanded our network of connections, then we discover a potential to grow all our relationships: with God, with one another, with our disconnected teens, even within ourselves. The depth-chart for our parenting teams need deepening. The circle needs to be expanded to include church members, baptismal sponsors, neighbors, social groups, counselors, coaches, schools, health professionals, mentors, Internet chat-rooms, “play-dates,” adopted grandparents, pretend cousins, and don't forget real aunts and uncles.

Every family faces cosmic interference. Satan knows that family settings are prime pickings to break faith. Arguments erupt, threats fly, inexplicable conflicts explode, words cut, and tears flow. But what a cosmic companion we have! And what promises the Comforter has set forth. Reconnecting is an occasion for growth. While it might feel more pain-free to stay disconnected, the hard work undertaken by families, as they negotiate and navigate the path toward reconciliation, is one of the ways God uses to grow us into spiritual maturity. God's way is always grounded in honesty and authenticity. “Speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ” (Ephesians 4:15).

In summary:
· Relational disconnections happen in every family.
· Reconnecting can be an opportunity for growth.
· There is no growth without pain.
· There is no remedy for pain that doesn't include letting go of something.
· Letting go doesn't mean giving up or giving in or giving away anything.
· Letting go means living within my limits.
· Letting go means giving the forgiveness Jesus has freely given me.
· Letting go means accepting God's strength as my only strength: “For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:10b).

Brenna Nunes serves as deaconess fo rFirst St. Paul Lutheran Church, Chicago, Ill. Monique Nunes serves as principal for Ashburn Lutheran Church, Chicago, Ill. Pastor John Nunes serves Wheat Ridge Ministries in Chicago, Ill.

thESource is published on the Web by LCMS District & Congregational Services-Youth Ministry. The Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod, 1333 South Kirkwood Road, St. Louis, MO 63122-7295; 1-800-248-1930; www.lcms.org. Editor: Gretchen M. Jameson. VOL. 3 NO. 12 December 2006