Excerpt from Parenting Families: From ME to WE booklet

by Dr. David Ludwig

The following is an excerpt from a companion booklet to the video series, written by Dr. David Ludwig. "Parenting Families: Practical Strategies for Family Life" describes some of the essentials for forming a WE, a strong unified family, so that you can prevent power struggles and help your children grow into secure, independent adults. This booklet was written to all parents in general. Also available is a booklet with insights for single parents "Parenting Families: Practical Strategies for Single Parents," and one with insights for blended families, "Parenting Families: Practical Strategies for Blended Families." Copies are usually distributed to program attendees by the host. Also available for purchase at www.shoplhm.org.

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"What do you as parents have to do with the WE?

As your family moves from "adults only" to including children, it is your job to build the sense of WE. You model placing the needs of the family unit (WE) above one's own needs (ME). You do this by forming a united front as parents and setting healthy boundaries.

Rules that help the family live together are called WE boundaries. The first step in setting such boundaries is for you, as parents, to decide on them together. Talk about the best ways your family can interact with each other and discuss what would be best for the child and for the whole family. For example, you could decide that disrespect will not be allowed since it damages family relationships. You could also decide that it's healthy for your child to help out around the house.

You then set and enforce the boundaries by looking at each other, smiling, and saying, "We all agree that disrespect is not good for our home, so we will not allow you to talk that way to your brother." The boundary is enforced without a power struggle and without force. You smile at each other to control the mood. In this way, boundaries are set and enforced in love.

Of added benefit is that as your child matures, he will internalize these loving, yet firm boundaries. They will become the basis for healthy self-control when he begins to function outside the sphere of your parental influence. This internal sense of WE will lead him in making his own life decisions. Without such boundaries (or boundaries that are too rigid), your child will find it difficult to handle situations later in life. He will give in to impulse, and then regret it later. There will be a constant internal struggle between what he wants to do (ME) and what he feels he should do (WE).

What's your child's job?

"Your child was born with internal radar.."

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